“Do you believe in God Martin?”
That was the pivot that landed me here; a god with no power but the contents of my mind.
Looking back through the reverse end of this telescope the specific acts that brought about my departure from one reality into another surely must be backtracked to the moment I was picked up by The Mantra Ray. Previous to that moment I had been on the treadmill doing what I did without real reason to question my position in the universe.
It is sometimes said that your life follows the consequences of your choices, whether active choices or choices by omission; that you end up where you choose to end up.
It would be comforting to me, here on my throne, to believe that chance played a large role in my life.
This uncomfortable chair tortures me daily with questions that I would previously never have had the constitution to address.
Some may find a delicate irony in my trajectory; some might say a poetic justice.
Perhaps it was a random sequence of events that led to an inevitable conclusion.
Perhaps it is a conclusion that, in a random universe, was bound to come into fruition merely by some law of averages.
No matter the mathematics or quantum physics that constitute cause, choice, preordination or random chaos, the resultant symptom left me between two tectonic plates, metaphorically speaking.
In actuality, I found myself suspended face down in the cargo hold of The Mantra Ray with a head full of Stat and shit welling in the legs of my suit.
That was the pivot that landed me here; a god with no power but the contents of my mind.
Looking back through the reverse end of this telescope the specific acts that brought about my departure from one reality into another surely must be backtracked to the moment I was picked up by The Mantra Ray. Previous to that moment I had been on the treadmill doing what I did without real reason to question my position in the universe.
It is sometimes said that your life follows the consequences of your choices, whether active choices or choices by omission; that you end up where you choose to end up.
It would be comforting to me, here on my throne, to believe that chance played a large role in my life.
This uncomfortable chair tortures me daily with questions that I would previously never have had the constitution to address.
Some may find a delicate irony in my trajectory; some might say a poetic justice.
Perhaps it was a random sequence of events that led to an inevitable conclusion.
Perhaps it is a conclusion that, in a random universe, was bound to come into fruition merely by some law of averages.
No matter the mathematics or quantum physics that constitute cause, choice, preordination or random chaos, the resultant symptom left me between two tectonic plates, metaphorically speaking.
In actuality, I found myself suspended face down in the cargo hold of The Mantra Ray with a head full of Stat and shit welling in the legs of my suit.
Friends of the Queue: I hope you don't mind my using you as Guinea pigs. This is the opening page for Decaying Orbits (as it stands) and I would appreciate some critique - does it serve as a suitable hook? Don't be gentle with me, I need perspective, not love
6 comments:
It seems to matter little whether one decides one's history is by choices or universal chaos if they see themselves as a formerly oblivious victim of purpose beyond one's control or comprehension. The attitude of being only what others observe and treat is at once both a debasing denial of the observer they've been since birth, but never got to know, and the narcissistic glorification of a reputed self the world is dedicated to treating as it will.
Don't know if this qualifies as critique, but it is the node where the trajectory of this piece and my thinking happened to cross today — tomorrow it will be different, not necessarily better, since improvement requires purpose I am loath to assign to nature.
Yodood: You have accurately picked up on the character being potrayed - his narcissism and arrogance play an important part in the trajectory of his fall - I was, however, more interested to hear whether you felt that this opening would grab you should you read it on the first page page of a novel. ;]
Shit welling up in ones suit reminds me so much of "Brazil" I actually forgot everything leading up to it and had to read it again. I am a poor judge for your purpose, since I read everything you write. If you want my idea about the probable quantity (popularity) of grabs it may accomplish, you're asking the wrong guy. I am more concerned with the quality of the grabs, popularity be damned.
I like being cast into the middle of a story and then having the narrator or protagonist or author or all three noodle me out in some interesting way or another. I think you are particularly adept at this style of writing. I would want to read on. I also like how preposterous some of your premises are .... and yet also completely believable if not plausible.
I suppose the only caution, and it is a teenie weenie one, would be to introduce detail and characters at a pace that is not too compressed or dense, sort of progressively, so the reader can get to know the insiders and their events gradually, rather than trying to sort all of them out in one swath.
but that's a teenie weenie....
as for this appetizer.... I am looking forward to many more helpings. Write on!!
it seems a little wordy to start...too easy to skip over. The first 2 lines are good, and the last sentence...everything inbetween is uninteresting because the character is unknown as yet...
just sayin'
Yodood: Popularity is fine as long as it does not mean a compromise on quality - starting off with a good hook does not necessarily have to equate with a quantative appeal (shit, the number of readers on this site put paid to any delusions I may have had about popularity a long time ago). All of which is fine by me - it's quality that I'm after :)
Harlequin: Congratulations, you obviously fall into the narrow bracket of reader that are into the particular quality that I'm trying to achieve - a little too much love and not enough perspective, although your critique does correspond nicely with Tom's more precise critique :D
Tom: Now we're talking! I will definitely take your (very valid & valuable)perspective on board - Thank you!
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